Fare thee well

I had let my X-girl use my old cell phone account when we were still together. It was in my name, but she was responsable for paying the bills. When she left me, I told her that I was going to close the account. She asked me if I could keep it going, and just have the bills sent to her address. I didn't have to think long to say no. She was worried because she dosen't have credit, and would not be able to get her own account. I felt guilty that it was my fault that our relationship didn't work (it's been part of my charm to take the blame for everything wrong in the world). Feeling that the breakup was my fault, I felt it was my responsability to make sure her telephone needs were fulfilled.
We discussed the options and decided that having the billing responsability changed to her name, would be the best choice. She made a bunch of calls to find out the details, and found that we both had to be on the phone to make that happen. She came to my studio, we talked to a bunch of supervisers who assured us that it would be taken care of but it would take up to 2 billing cycles. It brought up so much pain to see her. I felt choked by my insecure feelings. It took me a week to shake the deep sadness.

On the 3rd billing cycle, the bills were still coming to me, and in my name. After paying them, I bit my tung, and called her to do it again. We did. The feelings crushed me down again.

Again, 3 billing cycles later, no change.
I let a few go by, but every time one would come, I would think about her, and die a bit inside.

Again, she came over to make the call. When they asked for her drivers license, she said "Shit, I didn't bring it." She was leaving on a trip the next day, I told her that I wanted to take care of it as soon as she got back.

A month passed without my hearing from her.

When the last bill came, I left a message on her VM, no answer. A day later I sent an e-mail telling her to call me so we can take care of this, and that my patients were almost gone. When she called, in a nervous laugh, she said "I can't believe this is still not done", angrily I said "If we don't do it, It wont get done". She said that she would call the office in the morning, and find out everything we need to do.
I haven't heard back from her.

In the passed few days, I've been very aware of how my anger quickly turns to guilt and self hatred when I don't let it out. I've always felt so scared and ashamed of my anger. Growing up in my parent's house, anger was not accepted, not from me at least. My parents were and are intimidated by my sister. She can be very rough on them, and me. When we were kids, my parents saw that I would apologize whether right or wrong. When my sister and I would fight, a lot, they would come in to my room, and say "We know you were right, but apologize to your sister so the house can be peaceful". That became my role, peace-maker, sacrifice...disabled. They never backed me up. My anger building inside for years. In my mind, my anger was un-safe. I always felt that I was wrong no mater what. Old habits.

Since I've taken some (not all) of the shame away from my anger, I realize that the shame has been the to small cage I've been living in. It's what I bump in to when I start feeling big. It's what pushes me down when I try to get up.

Fucking Shame!

I am so angry with my X!
I feel that I have let her, but she has taken advantage of my weakness.
I am Furious!

Today, I called Cingular and had the account canceled on the first of November.
I wrote X an e-mail telling her when the account would close.

I feel a bit anxious, like I'm doing something wrong or un-fare or mean, and I'm going to be punished for it. Old habits are not driving any more. I will accept my anxiety as just that, just a feeling that something bad will happen, just my fucking training.

I am new. I am fresh. I will chose what to do, on what I feel is right, and right for me.
I will no longer keep a bULLSHIT peace which does not excist.

Comments

[jonathan]

I highly recommend you take a math course. It will get you back to basics and eliminate a lot of the emotional clutter you carry around. You did the right thing….just do it faster next time. Faster as in immediately.

[cooper]

You did the right thing months too late, next time an occurance of this kind takes place do the right thing immediately; no need to project your feelings of anger at yourself onto your old gf. You should feel much better now actually.