Spirit

Then:

I used to be a runner. I never ran to fast or to far, just maintenance. When I learned how to turn my mind off, and just be in my body while running, I found a part of me that I was not ready for.

I was running one day in Central Park, it was spring and the trees were blooming leaves. That young green color was sprouting everywhere, and the smell of fresh and new washed over everything. I would clear my head, walking for about 5 minuets, then, in to run. It was different this day, as I checked in with parts of my body, they changed, my rhythm changed, my feet felt like big paws, I could feel the cement through my shoes, I moved off the road and continued on the grass and dirt. My gate changed, so did my gase. My eyes were drawn to about an inch above the horizon, I was looking at nothing, but being aware of seeing everything. I could feel my heart rate fall, but my speed maintained. The smells were almost overcoming, and colors changed a bit. I didn't like it, I didn't know what was going on, I wasn't scared, but something was changing, I could feel it, I didn't ask for anything, I didn't know what happening, I felt very different, Strong, Powerful, Confused.

After my run that day, I tried not to think about what had happened, or what to do about it. This continued for about 7 days. The 7th day was the last day I ran. The year was 2000, I was 32 Years old.

I didn't know what it was, but I had felt it before. I was 20, and had just given up drugs, and started photography, fashion photography. It was so easy, and everyone liked me. My work was very good, not great, but hints of great. I was only testing at the time, but everyone wanted to shoot with me.
I wasn't ready for that either. I felt to fragile inside, and I thought what I was walking in to would kill me, like putting a 357 engine on a tricycle, wiring down fast and viciously. I applied to CalArts, packed my bags, and went back to school.

Now:

I felt it the other day. A shift in me. Not fearlessness, but the desire to do, and be afraid anyway. Not to stop, self-distruct, un-wind, or back down, but push through, get messy, be ugly, be strong. I like it.

When I felt this change, the other day, I wasn't sure, I didn't trust that it would stay. Today I know it's mine. I will not break from it this time. I want it. I have been looking, fighting, asking, searching for it. It came.

I will take things slow this time. I will take care of myself and my needs. I will build myself back up and be me, without the need to prove anything anymore, not to the world, not to myself.

The fire will not go out. I will not let it.

Comments

[lilly]

I know this feeling, it's like I'm riding the wave of possiabilities, like I'm intune with the world, like even though I might not see the great pattern of things, I can still sense it and know that I'm a part of it.

I usualy call it "Being in focus" It comes in shorter and more freaquent times for me though, it usualy lasty between a moment and maybe one or two days at best but I probebly have a few moments like that in every month.

I mostly get it when I talk real conversations with people or do art or think.

[cooper]

Once you own it , it is yours, and once you own it you always will. Good for you Ned. I know the feeling about wanting to stay aay from the messy stuff, of it beibg scary .. I deal with that all the time and have not yet conquered it myself but will one day.

I wish you the best with it all.

On a side note I love running and it's great for the ass.

I can only run in central park when my running partner does so my time there is limited but it is still my sedative and my amphetamine of choice.