Losing Control

My back has been stiff for a week and a half
My jaw is sore
My head is fuzzy

For 18 years
I've thought of myself as a photographer
Fashion and Beauty
I would say when people would ask
"What type"

Since I was 20
That's what I wanted to be
That's how I saw myself
That is what my aim was for

I hate fashion
I hate it when people hide behind
what they're wearing

I hate "beauty"
I can't stand it when women cover there faces
and hide there real beauty

Why then?

I think I wanted to prove that I could
That I could be good enough
That I could find one of the hardest things to do
and be good enough to do it

I've been on a kick
of self distruction
ever since I can remember

Blatent things like
drugs
drinking
fighting
running against traffic

And subtle things like
smoking
not eating right
dating women that would hurt me (emotionally)
working in a business that I hate

Fuck

I hate myself

Underneeth all the shiny shit
I just fucking hate myself

I'm always trying to prove that I'm good enough
I always remember every failure
every insult
I never remember any success
any compliment

I don't like it like this

More soon

...Blah!

Comments

[lilly]

Baby,

I'm so sorry I can't support you now through this cause things are to difficult for me as well,

I'm so sorry.