inside

18 years ago

After getting out of a really bad drug addiction
And getting out of the night club business
Photography found me

Shit

Working shooting pretty girls for magazines
That sounded cool

I thought
If I could succeed
If I could make it
I'd be good enough
or good

I hate it

Every time I come close
Very close to "Making it"
I sabotage myself

I've been aware that I've been doing this
but I didn't know why

Shit
I hate fashion
I hate make up
I hate making images that are so far from the "truth"
that they send the message that no one is good enough
how they are

I don't want to be good at that
I hate what fashion photography stands for

The other day
I realized that I don't want to do this any more

Fashion photography has become
and always was a suite of armor for me
A tittle to hide behind
images to hide behind

My suite of armor has become to heavy for me
to want to wear anymore
I'm done
I don't want it
And I won't have it anymore

I've been walking around the passed few days
feeling naked
feeling very vulnerable

I feel light and nimble though
Like any thing's posable
I don't like it yet
I feel very empty
and exposed
But I like it better than before

Now I'm just me
Ned Rosen
I don't know what I'm going to do
I still may soot sometimes
but when people ask me
Fashion Photographer
is not what I'll say

Now I just want to be
for a bit
I want to find peace
being me

Then we'll see what happens

: )